Never met a power struggle you couldn’t refuse? Or, is it a problem in differentiating when to take a necessary stand vs. when best to walk away from the situation? In any relationship, be it intimate, casual or professional, knowing when to pick your fights is essential in getting along and achieving a sense of balance in this world.

Recent research validates the common assumption that older individuals are generally more adept at choosing their battles. Frequently content with waiting to see how things will turn out, they’ve apparently decided that most conflicts aren’t worth the cost of confrontation. Conversely, younger folks readily engage in arguing and screaming, or walking away from a disagreement in a huff. So, the good news is that there does appear to be a mellowing with age.

Rather than waiting for the “golden years” to confer wisdom upon how to avoid clashes, consider these ideas:

• Whose business is it anyway? – do the issues really concern you, are they important, is it a losing battle that is a serious emotional drain?
• Rules of engagement – fighting fair, dealing with what the disagreement is about, rather than attacking the person helps to de-escalate the conflict (hint: if your arguments are peppered with, “you always, or, “you never”, these are NOT the components of a fair fight).
• Which assumptions are near and dear? –accepting others’ viewpoints as valid for them without feeling threatened that our own beliefs are under siege.
• Is it more important to be right or happy (at peace, unstressed, etc.)? – what might you be sacrificing in always being correct, perfect or seeking the “Truth”?
• Tilting at windmills –entering every skirmish, and often losing, helps to maintain a role as a victim; is the world is really your enemy?
• Scorched earth policy – what trail of destruction has been left behind? Does being victorious at battle mean starting wars that leave many casualties behind?
• Don’t leave your OAR in the water (use this approach before quarreling):
  O – OBJECTIVES: clear and concise
  A – ALTERNATIVES: which one would be best
  R – RISK: consider the pros and cons, as well as the likely outcome.
• Let it go – constant squabbling is most detrimental to the arguer, with its residue of emotional and (and often) physical discomfort. Commit to walking away from potential disagreements, noting what ultimately happened and how you felt not having engaged in the fray.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!