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Trapped on the Treadmill
Sometimes referred to as the hedonistic treadmill, this is a machine always in motion. As material possessions increase, so do our expectations about what is needed to feel good/happy/fulfilled. Because all the things we deem essential are taken for granted, expectations rise. As newer, bigger and better items become the next “must haves”, thinking the attainment of those things will make us happy, assures that the cycle will continuously repeat itself.
What were the last few things that you were simply dying to have? Have they made a difference in your life and enhanced your well-being? While there is nothing wrong with making and having money and enjoying the fruits of your labor, remember to foster personal ties along with increasing financial gains.
To find out which culprits rev up the speed of this treadmill and how can they be minimized, read on:
- Material madness – satisfaction brought from possessions is often fleeting, as the things craved soon become the norm. Conversely, we remember, cherish and re-live the meaningful experiences which are significant in our lives.
- Bound by “bling” – do you own your possessions or do they own you? If you feel enslaved by your things, it’s time to consider what to discard, curb purchases, or re-examine attitudes about what is really of importance to you.
- Buyer’s remorse – not only true after purchasing big ticket items like a car or home, but felt after buying almost any commodity: after the initial high, a significant drop in satisfaction occurs, then onto the next “needed” thing, culminated by the anxiety about the possibility of losing these possessions.
- Caveat emptor – yup, buyer beware of all advertising, no matter how clever or creative it is; stop and consider if you really need that product and if it’s worth the ephemeral satisfaction it brings.
So what are the universal antidotes?
- “The family that plays together…” – strong family cohesiveness builds lasting love and feelings of well-being (divorce causes the biggest drop in personal happiness).
- “Ya gotta have friends” – research confirms that people who have at least five close friends are much more likely to describe themselves as “very happy”.
- Sector search – whether it’s your vocation or avocation, focus on the areas which bring you continued satisfaction, total engagement and joy.
- Community ties – a feeling of belonging, whether through religious affiliations, organizations, communal groups, etc. bring a sense of purpose and a framework for structuring your life.
- Can’t fool Mother Nature – there’s no playing games with your health; if it diminishes, every aspect of your life changes. Do everything possible to maintain a healthy mind, body and lifestyle.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
image credit: Mr. T in DC
“When in the course of human events”…it soon becomes evident that building emotional strength is just as necessary as sound physical development. While there is great emphasis upon taking care of our bodies and having a healthy lifestyle, it is equally important not to discount the value of emotional well-being. Building emotional health provides the terra firma that serves as a critical base for all aspects of life, which is particularly true during stressful times.
As part of your emotional/psychological work-out, consider these strategems:
- Mind gyms – keep your (psychological) “work-outs” focused with considered awareness of your feelings, effectively expressing your full range of emotions.
- Mental flexing – become mindful and determined to feel good even when things are less than perfect; experiment with creative and “outside the box” thinking, reacting and behaving.
- “Exercise” buddy – a great way to ward off flabby thinking, whether you “train” with family, friends, support groups, or professionals; provides emotional motivation and inspiration while providing invaluable feedback.
- Accentuate the positive – and, conversely, eliminate the negative by playing to your strengths and down-playing weaknesses (or learning how to make the most/best of them).
- Purposeful intentions – your inner dialogue serves to clarify and solidify understanding about the choices and decisions you make; positive self-talk fosters a world view which enhances the quality of life.
- Escaping endorphins – let them freely flow; maximize those feelings of well-being, not only from exercising, but anything that makes you (and others) feel great.
- Sustainable strengths –expand your emotional repertoire, encouraging and modeling actions and behaviors that contribute to self knowledge, an overall sense of satisfaction and empowered choices.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
While waiting in the doctor’s office for my husband’s post-operative visit, I whiled away the time perusing the medical magazines. I came across an article (which contained the title phrase), about foot problems. It stated that 30% of women had trouble with their feet, primarily due to wearing high heels. I immediately thought of how I used to LOVE donning high- heeled shoes, and wondered if I would have moderated their usage if I knew I would be bothered with current foot problems? Probably not. What young person really believes that there may be adverse effects in 20 or 30 years because of their current preferences and decisions?
This set me to thinking about the (unfortunate) early choices that we all make, which often have serious repercussions throughout life. Think about the advice would you now consider or proffer (for yourself or others), in similar situations or important junctures in life:
- Informed decisions – get as much information as possible, weighing the pros and cons of the issues. Even if the decision turns out to be far from ideal, take solace in knowing that the choice was the right one given the facts at hand.
- Consultations – gather and weigh the feedback from those whose judgment you trust: family members, friends, mentors, or seek various types of professional input.
- Choice points – akin to “the road less traveled…”- have you ACTUALLY paid too high a price for picking the “wrong” option? Is it possible that a fantasy has been constructed about what life would be like if other alternatives were taken?
- “If I knew then what I know now” – an oft-repeated phrase, but how realistic is it? Do you feel that you’ve learned from past mistakes or errors in judgment? How did the “zeitgeist” of the time in which those decisions were made affect your choices?
- Blaming the victim – some people simply pay a higher price than others for the life decisions they make. Since there’s no changing the past, it’s more productive to focus on what can be done to help that person in the here and now, rather than remonstrating with endless “should haves, would haves or could haves”.
- Walk a mile in another’s shoes – (hate to be so “punny”), but it’s easy to claim, with great certitude, what you would or wouldn’t do in a variety of complicated and thorny situations. Have there been times when you found yourself saying or doing something, or behaving in a way which seemed totally foreign to you? Why?
- Self forgiveness – we all screw up, which is inherent in being human. What was learned from past experiences and mistakes? Were there some benefits in those choices, even though the results have been less than hoped for?
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
With some perspective on the situation (my husband is out of hospital and recuperating at home), I can almost laugh (although not funny at the time), about what it took for me to reach my saturation point. Just when it seems that stressful occurrences are being handled, a (small) event often causes that, “I can’t take anymore”, moment. With me, it was the loss of my cell phone. I knew I could get another one, but the idea of having to immediately do so, while being a constant hospital visitor, simply seemed more than I could bear. I tried to put this loss into context, but found myself of two minds: the rational part knew it was certainly not the end of the world, but the part governed by the brain’s neocortex just wanted to run away. Luckily, some lovely, honest person had found the phone and brought it to the reception desk. Once I had my mobile in my hot little hands, my mood did a sudden 180 degree turnaround.
We all find ourselves in circumstances that test our limits of tolerance. Here are several ideas to consider when those moments arise:
- Venting – whether it’s a scream, bewailing your fate to a best friend, or sticking your head under the covers, the important thing is to unload your feelings of frustration and anger and then engage your best coping tools and skills.
- Real vs. ideal – sometimes what’s second best can feel like winning the lottery; flexibility, creativity and realistic expectations will go a long way.
- Too much stimulation – take a deep breath, find a peaceful setting and eliminate all the background “noise” in the various (and often stressful), areas of your life.
- Back-up plans – although it’s not possible to second guess everything, contingency planning can help allay anxieties and offer other alternatives.
- Overcommitted and overwhelmed – cut back on commitments, reassess obligations and concentrate on the essentials, focusing on one day or one task at a time.
- Supportive environments – nothing is more uplifting than having the love, care, optimism and wisdom of friends, family and all concerned parties.
- Gratitude attitudes – being grateful in the midst of trials and tribulations may seem counter-intuitive, but that’s actually when centering on ALL the things (the seemingly insignificant, too), that bring your joy, fulfillment, satisfaction and hope become most uplifting and inspiring.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
Two weeks ago, while my husband was still in hospital, it seemed as if an infection was rearing its ugly head (mercifully, this turned out to be a false alarm), but I did begin to despair. The vicissitudes of an illness or life threatening situation indubitably takes a heavy physical and emotional toll, not only upon the patient or victim, but also on that person’s loved ones. This in no way minimizes the pain and suffering the patient or victim is experiencing, but it does underscore the need for caretakers to exercise self- care and do a good deal of self-nurturing.
If you find yourself in any of the above roles, consider these helpful ideas:
· “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off…” – setbacks can feel like a punch in the solar plexus, so take a (very) deep breath and readjust your mindset, accepting more uncertainty than originally expected.
· Supportive surroundings – while the love and caring of family and friends cannot be underestimated, stressful situations may heighten the need to join a support group and/or seek professional help.
· Accentuate the positive – it’s totally legitimate to be encouraged by any forward motion; baby steps (no matter how infinitesimal), do count.
· Engagement – routines can be very comforting, particularly those that have positive connotations; keep your work or social schedule as close to normal as possible, making adjustments as various circumstances dictate.
· Self-pampering – getting enough sleep is first and foremost, but massages, time off to do something fun, and being with those you love is essential.
· Plan B – during trying times the best laid plans often have to accommodate crash landings; rather than looking for perfect solutions, think outside the box, seek others’ input and advice and try on ideas that might have previously been considered a bit far-fetched inadequate.
· Saturation points – give yourself permission to be human and accept that there are times when you’ve simply “had it”, when your limits have been breached; it’s time to either scream, retreat, or take some time off or get away before being able to again marshal your forces.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
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And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
Week two in the same hospital, but the good news is that my husband is no longer in the ICU, but in a “step-down” unit, making excellent progress. Quite honestly, the (exceptional) medical staff is both pleased and amazed by his rapid improvement, and my loved ones and I have finally let out collective sighs of relief. So it looks as though we’ll be in Southern California, with my son and his family, for another 6-8 weeks (this is where getting along with a daughter-in-law really counts!).
Crises and stressful situations cause us to experience nerve-wracking emotional ups and downs.. If you find yourself in the midst of trying circumstances, there are a variety of things to do to ameliorate that sense of feeling overwhelmed:
· Calling all hugs – nothing provides more solace than the human touch, so accept it whenever possible (kids often seem to have an innate sense that affection is needed, and pets are another great source of calming contact).
· Embrace small joys –appreciate slight improvements, share laughter (particularly under difficult circumstances), get a good night’s sleep and eat healthily; relish the highs when they occur, because the lows will undoubtedly present themselves.
· Ready resources – when others offer help with errands, paperwork, cooking, driving services, etc., take advantage of these heartfelt and generous offers (you’d be doing the same if the situation were reversed).
· Constant contact – whether in person, by phone, mail, or email, have direct and frequent communication with those you love. Consider having a contact person who passes on information to others, or send group emails so that the same news doesn’t have to be continually repeated.
· Advice and info – during troubled and turbulent times, it’s easy to feel muddled, have “brain fades” and get generally overwhelmed, so it’s a good time that which to seek opinions and knowledge from trusted sources (even pertaining to things you’re generally confident about).
Opt out of overreactions – take a deep breath and do some “self talk”. Each worrisome situation is not necessarily a catastrophe and some will actually work themselves out. Rather than panic, think of alternative plans that might have to be implemented, and those individuals upon whom you can rely for their help and wisdom.
· Life is not fair – we all know this, but some situations really make us rail against the gods; after giving yourself permission to vent that anger, think about what you can actually do to better the situation
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
“Support” may be an unlikely word to find at the end of the above phrase, but its importance was underscored while I was sitting in the ICU of a Southern California hospital, where my husband underwent emergency surgery. Surrounded by loving family and friends makes it possible for me to be “tough” in this difficult situation, providing the most soothing balm imaginable.
Why consider dealing with difficult situations by your lonesome? Most family and friends are more than willing and sincere in offering their love, support, and a variety of resources to help get you through troubles and trauma:
- One step at a time – critical situations are inherently overwhelming, so focus on the smaller picture of what needs to be done (the “big” things can usually wait a bit), and take advantage of help that’s offered.
- Reality based optimism – dwelling on every negative aspect of the circumstance isn’t helpful, so aim to strike a balance between being hopeful while remaining clear-sighted about the realities presented.
- Help from all quarters – peripheral assistance, in whatever form, can be uplifting and definitely beneficial; in my case, the insurance companies (believe it or not), were really efficient and understanding, which quickly eliminated a great deal of anxiety.
- Kindness of kids – what could be more comforting than to have children share and offer solace during trying times? Allow youngsters to participate and offer their love and help in ways that let them know how important they are to the well-being of family, friends, or the community.
- Health is a gift that keeps on giving – cherish and guard it and don’t put off all the things (nutrition, exercise, sleep, less stress), that help maintain a healthy lifestyle.
- Martyrs need not apply – although you may have been able to successfully handle past tough times on your own, it does get to harder to do so you get older; time to make sure you have a support system in place and are aware of the different avenues available for all types of assistance.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
“If You’re Not Part of the Solution, You’re Part of the Problem”
Over a period of a week, my mother’s microwave oven began showing signs of imminent decline. I checked with my siblings, but no one had kept an extra “nuker” after moving or remodeling a kitchen. The suggestion was made to immediately buy a replacement (one solution to the problem), but I thought I remembered that someone in our extended family had an extra microwave. Trying to recycle whenever possible, it occurred to me that my nephew (who had previously lived in the upstairs bedrooms of my mother’s house), didn’t take his microwave when he moved. His more powerful and sleeker looking oven now sits solidly atop my mother’s kitchen counter.
This seemingly insignificant situation may not seem relevant in solving major dilemmas, but consider the possibility of using the following steps for tackling any conundrum, large or small:
•Brainstorming barrage – take advantage of great ideas and suggestions offered by others; consider taking “one from column A and one from column B”, freely mixing and matching to change perspectives and bolster novel approaches.
•If this was a perfect world – but it’s not, so aim for the pragmatic and realistic (and more likely to be accomplished), rather than the ideal.
•“One day at a time” – yup, you’ve heard this said ad infinitum, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Instead of getting immediately overwhelmed, break up tasks and chores into doable segments which can be readily accomplished and attained.
•Recycle – not only goods, but thoughts, plans and proposals, too. Tweak those things that have worked well in the past and re-use them (try dressing ‘em up), in different situations and settings.
•Kudos for baby steps – so what if something takes longer or has to be given more time than initially planned? Appreciate the effort and realize what is learned along the way, cognizant that it may take time to reach a decision or solution to a problem.
•You can’t please everyone – decisions, regardless of how democratically arrived at, inevitably leave some unhappy campers, as it is impossible to be all things to all people all of the time.
•R & R – research and review by getting all the necessary info from a host of sources (colleagues, experts, books, online news and reports, etc.) to solve problems and solidify accomplishments.
•Don’t look back – once a decision has been made, be confident that it was based upon good information, the best of the alternatives presented, and move onto the next issue which needs to be dealt with.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
I used to describe my ex-husband as being, “the master of the specious argument”. Obviously, he is my “ex” because we had innumerable differences of opinions and values. When someone is particularly bright, forceful, and needing to be “right”, any discussion can readily turn into a quarrel, where there is a winner and a loser. Wounded feelings easily become festering sores, leaving the issues (supposedly) addressed, unresolved.
What is often so frustrating when dealing with pontificators is that your gut lets you know they are full of hot air, but your mind gets stuck in thinking up reasons to try and counter these fallacious and empty rationalizations. Admittedly, it took me years to figure out how to deflect and dispel the sophistry and condescending remarks, particularly when couched as being “constructive” or voicing the “Truth”.
Hopefully, the following methods will provide useful tactics before getting mired in another’s lopsided logic:
· Sinking in quicksand – before you’re in over your head, cut the conversation short. Agree to disagree and stop engaging that person in a discussion.
· Time is on your side – since it’s unlikely that someone is holding a gun to your head, it’s perfectly legitimate to say, “I need time to think about it”, or, “I’ll get back to you”, etc.
· Invoke authority – knowledge IS power! Just about all the information you need is a Google away. Check what the experts in the field are saying, or present an array of different ideas, opinions, or suggestions (this can be particularly helpful in a work environment, with a boss or supervisor who loves to argue and thinks he/she is omniscient).
· What are friends for? – get feedback and suggestions from those you trust when looking for new ways to shore up your retorts to a long-standing, current, or likely dispute.
· Refuse to be a victim – how many times can you be shocked or broadsided by both the actual tone and message of spurious comments or debate?
· Time to move on – if the interactions with another individual are fraught with frustration, anger and lowered self-esteem, it’s time to sever, or severely limit, those ties.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
Never met a power struggle you couldn’t refuse? Or, is it a problem in differentiating when to take a necessary stand vs. when best to walk away from the situation? In any relationship, be it intimate, casual or professional, knowing when to pick your fights is essential in getting along and achieving a sense of balance in this world.
Recent research validates the common assumption that older individuals are generally more adept at choosing their battles. Frequently content with waiting to see how things will turn out, they’ve apparently decided that most conflicts aren’t worth the cost of confrontation. Conversely, younger folks readily engage in arguing and screaming, or walking away from a disagreement in a huff. So, the good news is that there does appear to be a mellowing with age.
Rather than waiting for the “golden years” to confer wisdom upon how to avoid clashes, consider these ideas:
·Whose business is it anyway? - do the issues really concern you, are they important, is it a losing battle that is a serious emotional drain?
· Rules of engagement- – fighting fair, dealing with what the disagreement is about, rather than attacking the person helps to de-escalate the conflict (hint: if your arguments are peppered with, “you always, or, “you never”, these are NOT the components of a fair fight).
·Which assumptions are near and dear? –accepting others’ viewpoints as valid for them without feeling threatened that our own beliefs are under siege.
· Is it more important to be right or happy (at peace, unstressed, etc.)? – what might you be sacrificing in always being correct, perfect or seeking the “Truth”?
· Tilting at windmills –entering every skirmish, and often losing, helps to maintain a role as a victim; is the world is really your enemy?
· Scorched earth policy – what trail of destruction has been left behind? Does being victorious at battle mean starting wars that leave many casualties behind?
· Don’t leave your OAR in the water (use this approach before quarreling):
O – OBJECTIVES: clear and concise
A – ALTERNATIVES: which one would be best
R – RISK: consider the pros and cons, as well as the likely outcome.
· Let it go – constant squabbling is most detrimental to the arguer, with its residue of emotional and (and often) physical discomfort. Commit to walking away from potential disagreements, noting what ultimately happened and how you felt not having engaged in the fray.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
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